Intimate

Fear of intimacy.

Written by Alma Claire / Art by Cinzia Cioffi

i want to be known

but too much

or too deep

 

i want to be seen

truly seen

but maybe not the dark parts

maybe not the ugly parts

 

i don’t want to be touched

not like that

not by a boy 

 

i don’t want to be kissed

on the lips 

or on the neck

or even on my hand

 

i want to be close but not that close

i want him in my head but not skin to skin

when i imagine a love like that

i feel my throat close up

my hands sweat

my heart races

 

not from excitement or arousal

but from some paralysing fear of being

 

known 

seen

touched

kissed

 

intimacy has a scary face

love sounds like a scary place

 

i want these things and yet feel repulsed by the very idea of them

how?

 

am i not normal?

perhaps. probably. 

who wants to be known and not known

seen and not seen 

touched and not touched

kissed and not kissed

 

who calls him in again and again

and then pushes him away

 

a girl with a fear of being

truly known and truly seen

in all her ugly imperfect dark complicated glory

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