i want to be known
but not too much
or too deep
i want to be seen
truly seen
but maybe not the dark parts
maybe not the ugly parts
i don’t want to be touched
not like that
not by a boy
i don’t want to be kissed
on the lips
or on the neck
or even on my hand
i want to be close but not that close
i want him in my head but not skin to skin
when i imagine a love like that
i feel my throat close up
my hands sweat
my heart races
not from excitement or arousal
but from some paralysing fear of being
known
seen
touched
kissed
intimacy has a scary face
love sounds like a scary place
i want these things and yet feel repulsed by the very idea of them
how?
am i not normal?
perhaps. probably.
who wants to be known and not known
seen and not seen
touched and not touched
kissed and not kissed
who calls him in again and again
and then pushes him away
a girl with a fear of being
truly known and truly seen
in all her ugly imperfect dark complicated glory