Narcissism —
the brutal breaking,
and the fighting to rise:
Golden Circle.
I am out of that golden circle now;
the one where daddy wore a crown
where I bowed down
and played the clown
and we went round and round and round…
that golden sphere burst;
shattered in a million shards,
left me alone in the dark
broken heart
lies crumbling like a house of cards…
at first it felt worse to be out of his light;
like I was trapped in a rigged fight
or never ending night,
like I had lost my sight –
like we might not survive …
but now I see that golden circle for what it really was;
an illusion of love where there only was loss
a golden cage that I bore like a cross –
a suffocating island where I all but lost
myself
that is the cruelty of the narcissist
Art by
He will say sorry.
he will say sorry
and tell you all the ways he has hurt you;
pretend he knows the ways he has broken you
used you
abused you
(and he cannot truly know, never will, doesn’t want to)
but he will say sorry.
he will say sorry
to reel you back in and forgive all his sins
because he promises ‘it will be different this time’;
that he will change this time,
give up the cheating and gambling and lies
(but he cannot change, never will, doesn’t want to)
still, he will say sorry.
he will say sorry,
not because he is or because he understands what he has done,
not because he thinks you are deserving of love,
but because he needs you; his source of supply,
and so he will use a million tactics and try
to play the victim and maybe even cry.
he might even rage and use shame,
anything to get you play along again,
because that’s his game:
getting what he wants, no matter the cost
so he will say sorry.
Art by
This Is Not Normal.
distant
far away
you spend your days
in a gambling daze
– this is not ‘just watching sport’ –
life is grey
you do not play
or remember my friends names
or hold me tight and say
the things i need to hear
– this is not ‘your dad trying his best’ –
beg to be seen
drag you from screen
getting tired now that I am fifteen;
too tired to fight the ‘in between’
– the pretending life is perfect –
people don’t know
they only see the ‘glow’
and so I stay stuck and alone
you still on your throne
– no one understands because you hide yourself from them –
distant
far away
you spend your days
in a narcissistic daze
-this is not normal –
Art by
Daddy’s Children.
the golden child can do no wrong,
‘perfection’ is her lullaby song.
she smiles on cue and plays her role,
pretty little unflawed doll.
you might think her lucky, living in daddy’s light
but beneath the surface she is far from alright.
she can make no mistakes and show no fear,
she must hide her mess and conceal her tears
because the golden child must play her role
daddy’s happy, smiling, pretty, perfect little doll.
the shadowed child lives life ignored,
almost as though she doesn’t exist at all.
she can scream and shout as much as she likes
she will never feel the warmth of daddy’s light.
and while her life is lonely all alone in the dark,
she has some space to escape daddy’s wrath;
there are no expectations, no part to play,
only the shadowed lands laid before her each day
and its a cold lonely place, where no sunshine goes;
cold and dark and empty and alone.
the scape goated child is hated,
is the focus of daddy’s rage and is isolated.
she speaks the truth and sees the lies,
and that is why she is despised.
while she can make her escape the most easily,
while she knows the way that things should be
and will have the courage to one day break free,
its hard when you are the only one who can see
that daddy is a monster.
but all daddy’s children are part of the game,
they all have their role and their part to play,
remember it is rigged
and daddy wins each day.
